Monday, 13 July 2009

I love his Ego....Such a big ego-

OMG!! LOHHHNGGGG TIME!!!!

...youre going to kill me if you know what I did- think this might have to be inbox moves...I went where I shouldnt have, felt what I shouldnt and said what I wasnt meant to...lol! not dirty talk...this is all emotions...Im really trying to sort this out in my head...trying to really hone in on the feelings and what they mean...

So you remember HIM of old- Older than old of old! Anyhow, I introduced HIM into my life but I dunno- Its not really the same as I am more in control? lol! Question mark is cos I dont know if Im just lying to myself...

Its annoying that he is a cool guy. It really is...

Stupid ass furst crushes... why dont they just dissapear...I mean I dont even know why...is it like a reversion of the mean? I mean, Im not bored- I have enough on my plate to deal with and there is someone I actually like- I suppose its one of those 'im not done' things whereby I just never said what I meant to - its like when you put a tin of baked beans under pressure...and then when it comes down to it you just explode!!

So I said what I should have like a million years ago and now i feel better but a whole lot worse...like I dont any resentment towards him- think now I have it more for myself for two reasons-

1)WTF am I doing with someone elses property?? Guilty conscience...I shouldnt like him but I do...but I dont know how I like him- Like at first I wasnt sure if liking him was LIKING him as per like having feelings towards or just as in platonic...but we get on enough for me to know that its probably the latter and Ill be very annoyed if its something else (like having feelings towards...)
2) why do i like him? Im usually the voice of reason. the logical sensible one so I am real mad at myself!

Anyhow, I spoke to him- yessir- I called him (apparantly meaning I want something from him- friendship maybe? but as my dear friend told me, after all this going backward and fwd, you think the guy wants friendship? )- It was no biggie- I call my mates in nige (so I told myslef...) we spoke- It was oddly too easy to talk to him- up until the conversation veered towards emotions...I was lost for words and I never am- I didnt really think about my feelings- what they meant and all cos I didnt have a clue what I was feeling? you understand? probably not...

so as it is- first crush...trying to wean myself off him- If he was an idiot, I suppose it would make it easier- but he is not...I NEVER am doting over guys- I wont lie and say its always the other way round but I dont chase- never have never will- NO! Im not chasing him cos I dont want anything from him- I dont want to have some sort of funny duddy relationship that cannot be defined. I dont even want to do any stuvvs with him- I dont know how I would be able to explain that to God...I already have a lot of explaining to do as it is...I dont want any more to the list...

Haha! Think whats really funny is that he probably thinks I cant help myself with him- but I can- lol! Think I have way more self control than I like to think- Im so good at saying no that im sure some guys think I invented the word!lol...

But really- think I have sussed me out...I love people(guys sha- babes dont really cut it for me-lol0 with egos and swagger but are also educated/enlightened enough to know they arent the only smartie pants in the world...its a very fine line mayte...

but I cant talk about my feelings here anymore- think its about time the world knew what was going on up in herr up in hurr...

Anyhow, this is one of many...I have a record to beat peeps...

1 comment:

Miss Az`ure said...

THIS BABE...U and THIS MR...lol.
Damn mehn,...it's like d situation is getting worse. We might have to reassign you to a different country...far far away from HIM.

U need to occupy urself with a distraction...And be fair. Don't compare ur new toaster to him. That just makes it go sour.

Welcome Back :-)